Baby loss - Part 1

25th June 2020... I was 6 months pregnant and I gave birth to my son Kyan who had no heartbeat..

It was the day of my 20 weeks scan. I made my way to my local hospital alone as I was not allowed to have my partner with me for any scans or any appointments. It was in the midst of the pandemic. I was quite scared that I would catch COVID whilst being pregnant. Everyone had to wear masks and socially distance. I struggled being able to wear masks whilst pregnant, I felt extremely claustrophobic. What started off as a normal day turned into a worrying one pretty quickly for me. I was called into the ultrasound scan room as soon as I got in there. I ended up being in that room for 2 hours+. I had 3 different people come in the room to try and scan my baby. My baby was so active, he wouldn't keep still. I kept asking "Is there something wrong?" No one would really answer my question. I laid there feeling so anxious as no one told me what the problem was. No one had any smiles on their faces. They just continued pressing firmly on my stomach and then looking at each other. I was told to turn on my side, to get up and walk around for a bit but the same continued. I remember at one point the sonographers both walked out of the room to talk to each other and I laid in the dark and just cried. The lady sonographer returned, then said to me they were unable to get a accurate measurement of the brain because baby was so active. I found it strange as they were able to get every other measurement just fine. She said sometimes this happens and I should come back in 2 weeks to redo the scan to try and get the measurement. I felt sick. No matter what she said I just knew something was not okay. Her body language and tone told me something was wrong.

I left and told my partner that everything was okay but they couldn't get one measurement. I downplayed it to him and everyone as I didn't want to worry them. I felt sick, alone and so worried. It was hard to even get the words out to describe what I felt in those moments in the dark room where I had been prodded so hard to try and get this measurement of my baby. He was moving and kicking so much so I told myself surely this is a good sign? I went on google and started researching.. has this happened to other women? I found a lot of stories both good and bad. I couldn't really eat or sleep. I was constantly googling and worrying what could possibly be wrong with my baby.

The time in-between the scans, the 2 week wait felt like forever to me. I hadn't bought a single baby item as I was waiting to have my 20 weeks scan before I started to purchase things for my baby. after going through that I couldn't even bring myself to begin baby shopping. The 2 weeks passed rather slowly and I didn't feel great mentally. I had read stories, some terrible, sad stories of women who this had happened to and it was not a good outcome. Those scenarios played out in my head. I thought would I be able to handle this happening to me? I made my way to my scan appointment alone once again as no partners were allowed because of the lockdown restrictions. My stomach had knots, I felt sick to my stomach with worry. I sat in the waiting room outside the rooms where women were scanned every 15 mins or so. I remember what chair I was sat on I remember I was facing the room I eventually got called into. I remember seeing other pregnant women and thinking was I the only one called back because something was possibly wrong with my baby? I saw women leave their scans clutching their baby images with such a happy, glowing face. And I just prayed to God that everything would be okay in the scan.

My name was finally called and I remember it being two ladies. They were both lovely to me and tried to make conversation but I remember feeling sick and not many words could leave my mouth. I didn't want small talk I just wanted to know that my baby was okay. I laid down and they started to measure the body and organs again. I know this because one was scanning me and one was entering the measurements in the computer behind her. I couldn't see the screen as it was turned away from me. It made it worse for me as I was watching the reactions of their faces for everything. I was overanalysing the tones of their voices and the body language. It was complete silence apart from the measurements being called out to each other. Again they were pushing harder on my stomach and then one lady told me she wanted a second opinion. They both left and I began to cry.

This isn't normal. Something is wrong. I felt sick. They returned and the lady tried to comfort me. She then told me I could call my partner to come. That's when I knew. No one was allowed their partners for any appointments, why did I need someone to come and be with me?! She took me to a office where all the midwives sat, typed their notes and had their lunches... The lady explained to me that my baby's brain was not looking how it should at 22 weeks. I had to go immediately to UCLH to have a detailed ultrasound. She said she couldn't tell me exactly what was wrong as she had never seen it before in all the years she has scanned babies. My heart dropped... something was seriously wrong with my baby. What did I do? Did I take my vitamins, did I drink enough water? Was it that I was not eating properly. Did my anxiety cause something to be wrong with my baby?... all these things were going around in my head.

I tried to get in touch with my partner but he was stuck in a meeting so he did not see his phone. I made my way to UCLH alone because they had booked me in to be seen immediately... I was of course straight onto google whilst in the uber, to see what UCLH did and why I was going there. I then found the most horrible stories and I felt sick. I became so numb. I just knew something was seriously wrong and I would lose my baby... It was extremely hard to stay positive in that moment. I prayed hard and tears ran down my cheeks every minute or so. I couldn't stop crying. My gut told me this was not going to end well. It was a battle to try and not have negative thoughts.... TBC